I wrote this a while ago, but as I re-read it the other day I realised that I can’t be the only person to feel this way and to feel so ‘out of place’. So, here it is. My small writing on my life and who I am. ❤
“I feel like I’m constantly battling something. My subconscious, my beliefs, my values, or even my likes and dislikes. I can never just settle with something. I can change in an instant. I can go from wanting to do one thing so passionately, to wondering how on earth I could ever be so stupid to want to do it in the first place. I don’t conform. And that scares the shit out of people. I don’t fit in one box, or under one banner. I feel like I float, constantly changing, and constantly being amazed at everything I learn. I’ve realised that it can put people off, because if they ask me what I do, or my hobbies, I feel like I have to answer to suit that person. Because who is going to understand that, my hobby is falling in love, with everything I touch. Reading a poem, and feeling my heart break, because of it’s truth, but also start to mend because of its beauty. Listening to a song and having to just lay down and stare at the ceiling and listen to it on repeat, because my soul aches to feel it in every part of my body, if only for a few minutes. Going for a walk in winter and wanting to walk forever, pretending that I’m climbing over mountains, or exploring a deep dark forest, instead of the concrete pavement my feet are pounding on.
Needing to paint something, even though I know I’m pretty crap at it, but seeing a small part of my brain seeping out through my fingertips, and being turned into something beautiful. Even if I’m the only one who can see its beauty.
Curling up and needing to escape the world through the screen on my laptop, and becoming so immersed in the world I’m watching that I feel every emotion the characters do. Making my morning coffee into a grand adventure, and thinking that with every sip, I’m becoming stronger. Playing the piano, being so confused with the world around me, but marvelling at the fact that my fingers know exactly the right notes to press to create something that stitches up a lost piece of my heart. Writing something down and knowing that every word holds more truth than I can even explain and feeling my eyes water because it’s one less weight I have to carry around with me. Who can understand that? So, that’s why I say, ‘oh this and that.’
I know that I hold an entire universe underneath my skin, with so many dark corridors and open spaces that I don’t feel I’ve even scratched the surface of it. This is why I can’t stand surface conversations or small talk, because we only get so many days and we waste it being polite, socially acceptable, bending our personalities to fit whomever we are with. Instead of standing there in all our broken glory and just simply being. But people don’t understand that premise, I think I scare people, because I’m not one thing, I’m bits of everything I’ve collected over the years. I’m the books I’ve read, the movies I’ve watched, the things I’ve experienced, the times where I’ve had to scrape my body off the bathroom floor and carry on, I’m the sum of everything I’ve experienced. We all are. But, it scares them. Because we are told to be liked, we have to be likeable. I don’t like that. I want to change that.”